She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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