I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Randomize
