toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Randomize
