Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize