I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i just google imaged poop.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
