There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
