chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
you never un-have a 4some
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
