I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
not ubering you a puppy
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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