Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
