Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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