What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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