Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
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