i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
