i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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