I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
