My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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