I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
