you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
