I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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