i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Randomize
