saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
