it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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