He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
