Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
i think i just lost a toe
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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