from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Randomize
