Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
