this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
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