Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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