i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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