On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
