what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
We are two peas in an std pod
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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