I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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