Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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