I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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