Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
