but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Randomize
