Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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