You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
