I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
