soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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