I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I would ride that face into the sunset
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize
