hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
