I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
