I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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