I never want to see another naked old woman again.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
