i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
