You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
