my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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