dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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