Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
The best revenge is premature balding
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
