Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
