I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
