Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
