i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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