I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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