you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
