You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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