I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
