Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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