The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
