I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Randomize
