Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
