My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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