I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Just pee around me
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize