you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
