I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
