my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
