i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
No...this little piggys going to the bar
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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