I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
