The best revenge is premature balding
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
