I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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