Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
