Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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