barbara walters just said penis...
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Randomize
